Somehow the mass appeal of Freddy Krueger whizzed right by me and left me spinning . I don't quite know where it all went wrong because I can assure you , the idea of a horribly disfigured pervert rapist that can pull kids through their beds , perform tele-cunnilingus and dish out other similiar sight gags is a fuckin' no brainer for me folks ! I aint got no problem with seein' a bunch of whiny little brats transformed into trembling and pathetic little imps with fear dripping from their eyes whilst some decrepit degenerate dressed in his Mondays worst has his foul way with them and ultimately dispatches their limp and broken bodies in a particularly horrendous and gag inducing manner . You read it right and I think you got the point . For me , A Nightmare on Elm Street , and its sequels especially , are just a bit too tame and well behaved .
The whole child rapist / serial killer angle , I felt , just wasn't explored to its fullest potential . THAT would've been creepy beyond belief , unbearable even . Instead , we got Jay Leno in a candy cane sweater rockin' a fedora copped from the Goodwill . What the fuck ?! Whose idea was it for this supposed " defiler of fresh flesh " to crack jokes and practise his stand up routine on an already washed up gang of twentysomething hacks ? Are you fucking kidding me ? Yeah , evidently they were . Ha fucking ha . The joke was on me . I mean , how could this go wrong coming from a guy who penned the line , " piss your pants " ( Last House on the Left ) and directed a movie that included nuclear radioactive mutant rape and those selfsame cannibalistic mongoloids arguing about what tastes better , fried chicken or newborn stew with taters and onions( The Hills Have Eyes )?
I guess in all fairness I should admit to you that I do not entirely hate the Nightmare series , at least the first two or three films. I even , after begrudgingly getting over the lack of a completely black heart at the core of the first film , found it and the second film , to be rather disturbing in their own right , or should I say as much as Wes and the boys over at New Line would permit them to be . I mean , for one , their is no shortage of groovy sight gags to trip out over such as Johnny Depp's character ( You were better off over on Jump Street pal ) who gets sucked into his own bed and spat back out in a tsunami of blood , piss and bones , which I found to be particularly disturbing as a kid considering that under the sheets upon the bed lies the universal sanctuary for ALL kids wishing to avoid any tentacles snatching them up from under the bed or a pack of deformed cannibals jumping out of the closet and dragging them back in . The Johnny Depp bed scene kinda fucked that all up . So I started sleeping on the " edge " of the bed ! HA ! Fuck you chump Krueger ! I got it ALL figured out ! Then you got the tounge through the phone ultra-skeez perv move and of course the weirdo dangly outstretched arm deal in the alleyway , millipede fellatio , sliced stomach maggot drippage and a plethora of other such groovy goodies clustered throughout .
No , aside from some gay one liners the original Nightmare on Elm Street was actually a pretty gnarly ride , as was the second installment which , I suppose , leads me to the meat of my tirade . For some reason this particular entry in the series receives a seemingly gratuitous amount of flack . I want to know why . This is , for all intents and purposes , the last Nightmare flick that contained any genuine scares and a carries with it a creepy vibe matched only by the original . After this it's Mack the fuckin' Night folks . There are some reasonably mean spirited thrills contained within and some pretty slick effects strewn throughout , such as Freddy's face potruding from out of some kids stomach and a few other worthies . I can only assume that the reason people prefer the weaker , more cock friendly entries in the Nightmare series , is because they prefer " safe " horror . The very idea of Freddy , as cool and witty as it may be can be safely tucked away within the realm of fantasy . A film like The Hills Have Eyes 2 ( 1985 ) which is persistently and mercilessly mocked and looked down upon has a slight probability factor working for it in terms of realism and the possibility of a clan of modern day savages living out in some remote area picking off hapless wayfarers . Sleepytime Freddy is safe . Child eating rapist cannibals are not and have in fact existed among us throughout the inception of flesh and are , in all likelihood , barbecuing a batch of baby brains as I presently type this review of sorts .
As I have previously mentioned , this was to be the last of the series anyone who has at least 1/2 of a brain contained within their skull could take seriously . The 3rd film , 1987's The Dream Warriors , despite its pink chocolatey moniker , again , wasn't that bad of a film though any lecherous characteristics of our villainous hero had by this time been pretty much washed away as the castrating Jews over in Hollywood made sure that Freddy's mug would soon be plastered over cereal boxes , happy meals and more across the nation and abroad . The jokes were in full effect as were the eye candy ways to die and the overly drab cast of obligatory twenty somethings standing in line and waiting their turn . The special effects are very reminiscent of other wet fests from that era ( I.E. Evil Dead II , Phantasm II , Re-Animator , etc al ) . I actually looked forward to seeing part 4 and when it had arrived in theatres I dutifully purchased my ticket and eagerly began to devour the contents of the screen before me , that is , until I bore unfortunate witness to the manner in which your beloved Krueger was resurrected , by the flames shot fourth from a dogs lipstick cock ( I shit you not ). I was in no rush to see , and as a matter of fact , have never seen The Dream Child or whatever other rancid piles of super cool vomitous shit this series has puked out . As far as Scream and THAT series goes , let it be known that I have zero amount of respect for anyone who derives pleasure from that holocaust of pretentious new wave crap aimed for a " hipper " audience . Go swivel your " hips " on the diseased cock of some rapist burn victim and spread the joy . You people and your "hip" and "clever" "re"- envisioning of everything around you only brings out the worst in me and I am eagerly awaiting the mushroom cloud that hovers over your domain .
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