The Way's Top Worst Follow-Up Releases

I know that some folks will probably think I'm out of my mind with some of these selections but they have their reasons for being here. Some of these might not have been straight up "sex change operations" but nonetheless, they were a departure from what I was expecting and/or hoping for. Certain and obvious choices such as Morbid Angel's 'Illud Divinum...' ultimately did not make the cut because Morbid has had such a long and good run up until that point and frankly, I'm not that offended by that album. Most, if not all of these albums, etc, were released when I was much younger and a bit more , shall I use the term "emotionally attached". Now that I'm an old fuck I take it way less personal if a band decides to jump out of the closet and ride the Hershey Highway.

Pestilence - Testimony of the Ancients

After the crushing and dismal onslaught of the imagination that was the mighty 'Consuming Impulse' I was not prepared for the artsy fartsy, post-neutered diet rite version of the band that was about to come prancing from out of my speakers. Oddly enough, the element that I was most concerned with (the absence of Martin Van Drunen) ended up being a non-issue as guitarist Patrick Mameli ably handled the mic. Sure, he sounded like a rather generic version of MVD but at least the aggression remained.

There are moments on this album that I swear were written by the two fags from Air Supply and basically that's what 'Testimony...' sounds like, a collaboration between Pestilence and that band. After waiting almost three years for this album to be released, I cannot begin to describe what a letdown it was to finally hear it.

Darkthrone - A Blaze in the Northern Sky

After the mindblowing 'Soulside Journey', nothing, absolutely fucking nothing could prepare me for the utterly homosexual bandwagon hopping of this album. To this day it kills me that everyone bows at the feet of this band, heaping massive amounts of praise upon them for being so original and for "sticking to their guns" (???)... really??? Are you fucking kidding me? Darkthrone is the biggest example of the term "trendy hipster" there is. It's difficult for people to comprehend why, exactly? Because the two geeks in this band act like they don't care? Yeah right. Trust me. If they didn't care they wouldn't write, record and release albums. Period.

Cathedral - Soul Sacrifice

I should've known that the weakest track on the band's debut would be the one whose style of which Cathedral would capitalize on throughout the rest of their existence. What a shame. To this day, no one has been able to come close to the brilliance of Cathedral's 'Forest of Equilibrium', certainly not the band itself. I cannot say for sure that it was a complete shock to hear the more upbeat tempos found on this 'ep', but it was a major letdown nonetheless 

Carcass - Necroticism: Descanting the Insalubrious

Sure, this is still quite an aggressive album but it wasn't really what I wanted to hear after 'Symphonies of Sickness'. I had waited some time to once again delve into Carcass' dismal void of crushing gloom and was rather thrown off to be greeted by the thrashier aesthetics of 'Necroticism'. Don't get me wrong, I actually like the album but I have always grappled with the sinking feeling that the primal sludge of their earlier incarnation was to forever be a thing of the past as the band began to incorporate elements of thrash and traditional heavy metal, not to mention the increasing absence of Bill Steer's vocal croak which would be non-existent on Carcass' next album, 'Heartwork'. Great album, but a bittersweet reminder of the everflowing winds of change.

Suffocation - Breeding the Spawn

With their debut, 'Effigy of the Forgotten', Suffocation beat the living shit out of everyone around them, bands and fanatics alike. Effortlessly pushing Cannibal Corpse to the side, Suffocation became the new barbarians of U.S. brutality on the block. This band had great things in store. I knew it... until....

I'm not quite sure what the fuck Roadrunner was thinking when they sent the band off to some hole in the wall studio to record their heavily anticipated follow-up to 'Effigy...', but boy did they fuck that up. Regardless of whether or not the actual "playing" is up to par, the album sounds like complete and total shit. You can pretend to yourself otherwise until the second coming of Christ, but the fact remains: this album sounds like garbage. I can only imagine what it would've sounded like had Scott Burns worked his magic once again.

The other problem I had with it was that the songs just really aren't that good. Sure, there never seems to be a shortage of praise from musicians and techno-nerds alike, but to mine ears (seemingly) alone, none of these songs really stand out, ultimately making the album sound like a big stew of meandering garbage and noise made worse by the atrocious production. What a fucking shame.

Obituary - The End Complete

The End Complete marks the beginning of Obituary's longstanding affair with releasing absolutely boring and unimaginative albums. It's as if they stopped giving a shit after 'Cause of Death'. Like that album was so overwhelmingly taxing to create it pretty much sucked out the remainder of the band's creative output. I don't know. I'm just speculating. 

I've learned since then that each time the band is about to release an album and utter the words "oh, this is going to be a typical Obituary album", they're referring to each and every worthless piece of shit they've released since 'Cause of Death'. 

Therion - Symphony Masses: Ho Drakon Ho Megas

Where 'Beyond Sanctorum' had mere "glimpses" of symphonic faggotry sprinkled throughout, 'Symphony Masses' was a full bore crashing through the gates (otherwise known as the closet door).

Perhaps the biggest letdown for me were the vocals of Christofer Johnsson. On the band's previous albums he was a fucking beast, quite deserving of the band's moniker. Here he sounds like some wayward and haggard wino surviving on a diet of Kamchatka and withered dog turds. Somebody get this guy a bowl of soup!

Bolt Thrower - ...for Victory

After 4 albums of total and complete godliness, I should have known that the mighty locomotive known as Bolt Thrower would eventually run out of steam. This album isn't a departure from the band's "tried and true" formula or anything of the sort. It just sounds like a band tired and completely out of good ideas. To be fair, there are a handful of decent riffs here and there, but as a whole the album just sounds tired and weak. Even though I felt that the band's follow-up, 'Mercenary' was a glimmer of hope, the band have never truly recovered and have been on a long path of mediocrity since.

Darkthrone - The Underground Resistance (2013)

I have long had a sort of love/hate thing with Darkthrone. Back in '91, when I first heard 'Soulside Journey', I thought that it was a landmark in the then emerging doom/death genre not to mention that it's one of my all time favorite albums to this day. I was beyond mortified when I first listened to their follow up, A Blaze in the Northern Sky. Having never been a big fan of the wimpy and tinny guitar sound that is favored by black metal musicians, I was aghast. What the fuck happened to these guys? I had held out a semblance of hope that the band would come to their senses and release yet another monolith of quality death metal such as 'Soulside', but every album they released was more pussified than the last. I could not believe it. It would be years, hell, even decades until I would come around (grudgingly) to the style(s) of metal that they had chose to abandon their death metal beginnings for.

Looking back in hindsight, I can say that, for the most part, I do enjoy Darkthrone's back catalog, though for  the life of me I'll never understand the mass appeal of their apparent "magnum opus", 'Transylvanian Hunger'. Sure, I get the fascination with droney/minimalism (I mean, doom is my number one style of music, for fucks sake!), but TH is just outright fucking annoying. I don't care what the 'necro' police tell ya, there aint nothing provocative about chilling on the same rusty chord for several minutes before moving on to the next. That's child's play. A midget with Down's Syndrome can come up with something more "far out" than that.

Anyways... here we have the band in their latest incarnation and for the most part it sounds just fine. I know that there are a lot of "true/kvult/necro" fucks out there with their panties all bunched up inside their twats due to the lack of "orthodox" (seriously, who the fuck comes up with this shit?) black metal vocals and all I have to say is, how does it feel to have your desires and expectations cast to the wind?

I can't help but feel as if many of the riffs on this album were written by someone who has a no more than a remedial understanding of how to write a song. If it weren't for the mastery shown on 'Soulside' so many moons ago, I would be inclined to believe that Darkthrone is nothing more than a duo of hacks that have been pulling the wool over their audiences eyes for the past 20 or so years by purposely releasing albums of a shit quality. I don't know. Apparently I'm the only one who wonders about this shit for there's been no shortage of drooling and fanatic Darkthrone dorks who eagerly lap up every ounce of diarrheal splat the band has to offer.

Nonetheless, aside from the lack of 'whiny bitch black metal vocals' (you know, the "orthodox" kind) the only real offense here is the abominable 'Valkyrie' which showcases an agonizing onslaught of Fenriz' absolutely horrendous falsettos and high end wailing. Please, somebody shoot this guy and pass the title of "I'm so necro it hurts" to the next retard in line.

Darkthrone - Under a Funeral Moon

And the story goes...

Somewhere in late 1991/early '92, seemingly ALL of Norway collectively decided that death metal was uncool now because someone saw a picture of Obituary in Metal Maniacs wearing sweatpants and Bermuda shorts. At that point they also decided to emulate the musical as well as physical traits of 80's death/thrash bands such as Bathory, Hellhammer/Celtic Frost, early Slayer, Possessed and so on, in answer to Obituary's treasonous dress code. I'm not sure where the part that 'any and all musical talent be utterly kicked to the curb and disposed of' came into play, but the Norwegians took to the endeavor with all the gusto of a tranny in a hot dog eating contest. Let us also never forget that it was at this point that almost every band in the world jumped on Norway's cock as a result. This is NOT to say that Norway was a lighthouse beaming with originality. What Norway essentially did was rip off the elders of the 80's and in turn accuse anyone else of doing so of being a copy cat of the Norwegian "style" of copy catting. Yet, originality was not the only thing the Norwegians lacked. They were also devoid of a goodly deal of talent in those days as well save for a three fingered handful of bands. Of course in the ensuing years, any band that began to develop any sort of technical proficiency (as is usually the case after years of practicing) or attempted to outgrow the inbred trappings of the almighty Norwegian Black Metal scene, were in turn accused of "selling out" or just plain "being untrue".

From amidst the wide eyed confusion of teen angst and obligations wrought from the furnace of peer pressure came the Lord of all Things True himself, Sir Hank of Amarillo aka Fenriz. I actually extract great amounts of evil joy when I watch or read interviews from this cartoonishly charismatic fellow as I have never seen anyone write and rewrite the book of How to be a Black Metal Hipster Yet Come Across as Being Otherwise as much as the popularly adored Mr. Amarillo. Never before has the world encountered such a champion of contradictions as they would with each absolutely worthless utterance from this man's throat. The fact that Darkthrone has played it rather safe in terms of remaining confined to the shadows as opposed to coming out full blast ala Satyricon or Gorgoroth, playing festivals and shows and embarking, viking style, on world tours, etc, has only furthered the notion in peoples minds that they are dealing with some black master of magicks steeped in arcane ideology and as a result, the pinnacle being of underground cool and cred. Barf.

Nevertheless, it was to be that when Sir Lord Hank of Amarillo spoke, the masses unwaveringly listened and obliged his every whim. And when Sir Hank decided that 'A Blaze in the Northern Sky' did not sound "necro" (aka like shit) enough he decided to once again crawl back into the lofty confines of his mind and see what his asshole might produce and lo and behold, the world was graced with an even stinkier, smellier poo than before. Ladies and gentlemen... I give you... Under a Funeral Moon!

Whereas 'A Blaze...' has actually grown on me a little throughout the years (though I'll never truly forgive Darkthrone for the treasonous act of abandoning their death metal sound for the flavor of the day) as there are actual rhythmic fluctuations to be heard as well as an admittedly "evil" vibe that permeates the air within that release, its two successors are nothing but glorified pieces of fly ridden shit that give the musical term 'noise' a negative rep. Listening to two inbred mongoloids from the backwoods of Virginia with Tourette's violently buttfuck each other in room filled with priceless china would sound infinitely better than having to endure any one full track off of this or it's equally mundane twin, 'Transilvanian Hunger'. The fact that not only people actually like this album but that it is considered to be a (barf) 'masterpiece' is a staggering inclination of of just how far up the evolutionary ladder we have to go to reach the top.

Unholy fucking black metal. Sir Lord Hank of Amarillo in all of his true necro glory at far right

I keep telling myself that most people like this album because it's merely the cool, ahem, "necro" thing to do. The riffs on this "album" suck roomfulls of AIDS patients dicks with an unmatched fervor and a glee most hideous to behold. I'm not kidding either. You can actually picture the enthusiastic and undaunted retardation on the band's faces as they mindlessly bang away track after track. Kind of like giving a child a sheet of acid and a box of crayons. I am convinced that when someone drones on about the "genius" of this album, they are naught but some robot slathered in human flesh whose battery is only moments away from expiration. Of course the big kindergarten swipe at anyone who actually has the gall to not buy into this albums extraterrestrial hype is to claim in an indignant tone, that they don't "understand" this album. As if The Lord Fenriz himself had whispered it's divine secrets into their ears and left your puny and unworthy ass in the dark screaming "why hath thou forsaken me???!!"

Well fuck all that. I don't want to understand it. I am content in knowing that if you find this album to be a work of musical genius then you are part of the sheep that this band and countless others of their ilk complain about, including themselves. The only thing astounding and astonishing about this album is that the band managed to force out a pile of shit this big without the aid of surgery and a years worth of Band Aids.

Darkthrone - Transilvanian Hunger

This album is straight fucking garbage. I don't care how much the "necro kvlt" insists that this is the most "dreadfully evil" and atmospheric (barf) release ever to have been shat out from within the confinements of poser central (Norway), they'll NEVER be able to convince me that this album is anything but the fly ridden piece of "blackened" shit that it is with its praises being an ongoing exercise in incessant cock gagging. Phlegm covered faces glistening with venereal fulfillment and worship in their eyes.

I was of an apparently small and tiny faction of folks in the world who were not at all impressed with Darkthrone's transparent and treasonous abandonment of their death metal roots after the colossal 'Soulside Journey' beginning with 1992's 'A Blaze in the Northern Sky'. I remember the time like it was yesterday. A friend of mine who published his own zine and had run a metal show on the local college radio station, had given me three Peaceville promo CD's that he had received in the mail. Among them were Autopsy's 'Fiend for Blood, My Dying Bride's 'Symphonaire Infernus Et Spera Empyrium' and of course Darkthrone's eagerly awaited sophmore album. There's no way that I can fully translate how fucking disappointed I was when the sounds of 'Kathaarian Life Code' came rushing out of the speakers. I kept hoping that this was some joke along the lines of the first notes of Dio's 'Last in Line'. Nope. This sucked. And unbeknownst to me, at the time, this was here to stay.

I will say this in regards to Darkthrone's "transitional album"... I eventually had warmed up to it in recent years as well as the majority of their catalog, mostly due to the fact that I am a Celtic Frost FANATIC of old and can hardly get enough of that vibe, be it from the band themselves or from one of the countless clones of their sound. Unfortunately though, the two albums that followed 'A Blaze...' I have not taken to in the slightest. 'TH' especially. Ironic considering that those are "the hits". A fact that I will never be able to wrap my head around. Not in this life.

I have always been more into doom and/or death metal with doom elements scattered throughout such as the stuff Darkthrone had so perfectly crafted on their debut. When it comes to tinnier, rawer and/or "blacker" sounding metal, I prefer the stuff that I grew up listening to in the 80's, such as Bathory, Hellhammer, Possessed and so on. By the time the Norwegian black metal machine had begun to pick up steam and take off, I was well entrenched in the swamps of death/doom supplied by the likes of Accidental Suicide, Magus, early Cathedral and Thergothon. The tinny and rather weak sound of black metal was not to my liking. It would be many, many years after the fact when I listened with a new pair of ears and begun to realize that it wasn't all that bad... except... for 'Transilvanian Hunger'.

From the land of ice cream and snow cones

I think the near mythical proportions of praise and adulation that has long smothered this album adds to my contempt and inability to "join the ranks" of blank eyed worshipers. Simply chilling and tremolo picking one note for several minutes before going to the next note and repeating the same thing does NOT constitute a "genius" endeavor in my mind. I understand the whole "hypnotic drone deal" that so many hip, alternative metal types seem attracted to and I'll admit that a vast majority of funeral doom bands (a genre which I happen to love) border on the grounds of madness with their insistence to draw out a rhythmic pattern well into the realm of absurdity, but again, the weak and tinny sound of the guitars coupled with uninteresting riffs does absolutely zero for me.

It's funny that people cry, piss and moan about the Darkthrone albums that immediately followed TH as in my opinion that is where Darkthrone truly began to cook.

This will always be one of those albums that I just do not get and I'm not worried about it either.