Friday, June 22, 2012

Autopsy - Macabre Eternal

First off, I've NEVER given a shit about this band. Maybe it was the gay pirate vocals of Chris "Reefer" or the cardboard "heaviness" of their guitar sound, but I have consistently failed to grasp and understand the hype of this band. Sure, they have their place among the elder gods due to the time of their arrival as well as Mr. Reefer's contributions to 'Scream Bloody Gore', but even then, I still don't give a fuck. Whoopty fuckin' do. I'm sure the crackwhore down the street made big contributions to the spreading of AIDS. Doesn't mean I'm going to go over and lick her asshole in praise of her worthy endeavors.

And so now we have, much to the delight of all of the phony internet "metalheads", the long awaited comeback album, and boy oh boy does it blow. There's nothing worse than a band trying to retain that good ol' early 90's death metal sound while mixing it up with new age recording techniques. Ugh. Right off the bat this sounds like shit.

As if Mr. Reefer's shitty pirate vocals hadn't sucked enough ball sweat before, now they suck AND sound old and worn out like an aging whore who persists on drinking herself into oblivion with the occasional (hourly) detour into the embrace of a fully loaded crackpipe. What's worse is that the fat guy on guitar thought that he could sing good and decided that he was going to give it a go on the mic as well. These whiny, wretched bitch vocals are so horrendously bad that they're actually amusing to listen to. It's sounds as if the gay pirate was enraged that the fat, whiny guitar player had smoked up all of the resin in his crackpipe and decided to brutally throatfuck the fat, whiny guitarist as punishment thus lending to his vocal "technique" this wretched quality that can only be heard from those who've suffered severe damage to their larynx.

Every time I see some chump on the internet singing the praises of this album's vocal "mastery" I know in my heart that I am reading the words of some teenaged "chicken" who sells himself for heroin and therefore can "relate" to the sounds of the screaming bitch guitar player.

I'm not going to try and deter anyone from getting or checking this album out as the hype surrounding this band is akin to the spread of the Bubonic Plague during the 14th century and I know that most people out there cannot help themselves from jumping on the bandwagon in order to gain for themselves a paltry sum of internet cool points, so I'll just leave it at that.

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