Movie Poster of the Week: Dead & Buried (1981)

Get the Gringo (2012)

Very surprised by this. I figured since Mel pissed off all of the whiny Jews over in Holo-wood in all probability his capabilities of making or starring in quality cinematic experiences were far behind him. Boy was I wrong!

One of my worries was that Mel may be well past his prime for one of these types of movies. After about 5 minutes my leeriness dissipated and I began to go with the flow.

'Get the Gringo' is like 'Payback' trying to come down off of a two week crystal meth bender by drinking a case of urine and tequila. Yeah, it's that good!

With all of the headless torsos and flesh pyramids made of stumps littering the streets of Mexico in the last 5-10 years, Holo-wood has jumped on the cartel glorification bandwagon like a tranny on a jackhammer and undoubtedly to the dismay of all the hebe's in El Lay, Mel-E Mel decided to as well and managed to outdo them all!! Definitely a winner in my book with a nice, healthy dose of sleaze to keep the war-machine oiled and moving.

If the whiny, insecure Jewish kingpins over in Holo-wood want to keep Mel out of the mainstream, well that's fine by me as the ol' madman has shown absolutely ZERO signs of limp-wristedness with this ace of a movie.

Movie Poster of the Week: Dreamscape (1984)

Beyond The Black Rainbow (2010)

If you mixed Stanly Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey with THX-1138 and Argento's Suspiria, threw in some 80's droning synth music and took some LSD, you'd wind up with this little known gem called Beyond The Black Rainbow.

This feature film debut from Canadian filmmaker Panos Cosmatos is set in a very oppressive but gloriously strange 1983. Dr. Barry Nyle is the head doctor of the Arboria Institute, a scientific clinic devoted to helping people find eternal happiness through "benign pharmacology, sensory therapy and energy sculpting". What we really see is one "patient" (she's more of a prisoner) in the entire facility; a young girl named Elena who posesses some type of psychic power and never talks. She tries to escape from Arboria but Dr. Barry will be having none of that.

There's a little more to the story which gets fleshed out during certain sequences. The images in this movie are unlike almost anything I've ever seen. Some directors and cinematographers know how to make striking images and beautiful moments, but Beyond.. takes it to a whole other level. Watching the movie is like watching pictures unfold in a lava lamp.... I don't know how else to describe it. The music is very 80s synth but it fits very well with the oppressive and weird tone of everything. The guy who plays Dr. Barry is perfectly creepy and strange.

This movie is a little under 2 hours but it proceeds at a snail's pace (kind of like a lava lamp). My only complaint is that the end kind of comes out of nowhere and takes this weird psychodelic film and turns it into a pseudo-slasher flick in 20 minutes. If you like weird, out there, unconventional  movies that are more an experience than a straight story (and have no problem with super slow-burners) then this is for you.

Maniac (2012)

Although I am neither a fan of remakes nor the “new wave of French horror” that’s been popular the past 10-15 years, Maniac ends up being an exception to both categories. This Alexandre Aja penned remake of 1980 classic is a fairly faithful retelling of the original. Elijah Wood is no Joe Spinell, but with his portrayal as a seriously deranged fuck with boyish and charming good looks, Woods actually fits the character better than Spinell’s loafing, schlumpiness IMO (and I can hear the ire of a thousand purists). The chick who plays Anna is an actually somewhat likeable and interesting character, as opposed to 95% of female roles these days.

Except for 2 or 3 scenes, the movie is told from Frank’s (Wood’s) point of view so we only really see him when he’s reflected from a window or mirror. The gore and blood are there, as is to be expected from Aja’s work. The scalpings are fine, nothing groundbreaking or novel. There is a nice little Achilles heel slicing which I am a fan of, and there are a few scenes where Woods is washing his hands with a steel Brillo pad looking thing which were definitely squirm-worthy.

If you’re a purist and devout fan of the original, you will probably hate this. But if not, it’s definitely a movie worth watching and one of the better horror movies to come out in recent years.

Begotten (1990)

Begotten is one of those movies that has been spoken of in some form or another for the past twenty years and with good reason. If David Lynch films like “Eraserhead” are hard to explain, then Begotten is damn near impossible. There’s an explanation offered on the video box, going on and on about how the movie is actually a veiled re-enactment of three biblical stories “creation, the Nativity and Jesus’ torture and death at Golgotha”. Whether or not that’s what you end seeing is up to the viewer.

Begotten is every arthouse film student’s wet dream. It’s a visual experience where the story is not only inconsequential but almost, not even there. What you see is a human-like thing bleeding and dying on a chair, a woman rises from behind, impregnates herself with the human/god-like thing’s semen, gives birth to a quivering adult-child thing that looks like it’s having an hour long seizure. These dwarf/druid things are all up in their business and things happen. While that is the gist of what is going on in terms of story, the visuals are much more visceral and … I hate to be corny but they are literally entrancing. (For me) watching this highly grainy, highly contrasted black and white movie was like being in  trance, where any and all commentary was completely unnecessary and moving my eyes from the screen was not an option or a thought.

This movie is not for everyone. It is truly an “either love it or hate it” experience. If you’re fine with movies that don’t need a plot but tell a story solely through it’s imagery, if you’re cool with silent movies (except for a low droning slightly staticky sound) then this might be the movie for you. If what I just described seems incredibly stupid and pretentious, stay far away.

Hollywood Kills (2006)

More people need to learn that low-budget and independent does not have to mean low-quality. In particular, the makers of “Hollywood Kills” really should have paid attention in class on the day that lesson was taught.

“Hollywood Kills” follows four reasonably useless and not particularly likeable young adults as they go party and “audition” at the home of a once-famous director. He takes a liking to one of the girls so instead of letting her loose in his “studio of horrors” filled with big bad guys and semi-traps, he keeps her locked up in the control room and broadcasts his deep and personal conversations with her over a loudspeaker over the loudspeaker so her brother (one of the four schmucks) can listen in.

Considering how shitty this movie is in every respect, I’m assuming that the only reason it was greenlit was so it could hopefully cash in on some of the “torture porn” craze of the mid 2000s. But it fails even in that regard. There’s some rape, some blood, some gore, but the effects are truly awful, the acting would be forgettable if it weren’t so terrible, and everything about it is just really bad. The only barely decent scene is they eyeball needle torture, but even that ends up looking seriously hoaky.

Mimic (1997)

I hate bugs. I hate bugs more than anyone could possibly hate anything. The mere thought of some of the incidents I've had with bugs throws me into a crazed clawing at my skin fit. And being a New York City resident means I've had more than my fair share of incidents. It doesn't matter if you never have food in your house and are the cleanest person alive, those little fuckers will come for you.

In 1997, Guillermo del Toro (the guy who did Pan's Labyrinth) brought us Mimic, a movie about bugs imitating humans. The plot centers around a deadly disease running rampant in Manhattan, affecting the city's children. The disease is carried by cockroaches, and since for the most part exterminators, pesticides and other methods are useless against roaches in this city, one scientist develops a genetically modified termite/mantis hybrid, whose secretions somehow kill off the little buggers. Unfortunately, her belief that the bugs are (a) sterile and (b) have a limited life span both prove to be really fucking wrong, and thus a much bigger menace is unleashed.

This is probably one of the best infestation movies out there. The effects are pretty damned good, especially when compared to infestation movies made much more recently. Nothing looks hokey or over-the top. There's ample amounts of goo, and bug innards, and crunchy vibrating noises to keep you on alert and uncomfortable. Mimic makes use of a lot of tension and shadows. Although you get to see the menace fairly early on, a lot of the creepiness is kept in the shadows for a good enough amount of time to let the tension build up.

I can't stress enough how good the sound direction in this movie is. For someone like me who goes into ready mode at the mere sound of a ladybug, the sounds in this movie are top notch raise-the-hair-on-your-neck quality.

It's by no means a perfect film and the familiar "stop fucking with nature" mantra underscores the story but it by no means hurts the movie. Mimic has everything needed for a more than worthy watch: engaging characters, an absorbing story, and suspense to spare.

Movie Poster of the Week: Basket Case (1982)

Tetsuo III: The Bullet Man (2009)

Everyone shits on this movie for featuring an American lead and for being in English. To all those people: seriously, fuck off.

Tetsuo III: The Bullet Man revisits Tsukamoto's most well known and popular franchise. All the pre-requisites are here: chaotic camerawork, an awesome industrial soundtrack (featuring Trent Reznor), little CGI/more actual props, and a lot of action. The story is a little more fleshed out than the previous two movies, with a sort of medical corporation being at the head of the Tetsuo project and some military bad guys trying to get rid of the evidence of said project.

Tsukamoto reprises his role as the antagonist "The Guy/Yatsu". One big difference here is that Tsukamoto isn't capable of transformation (or at least never demonstrates it). Another big difference is the ending, which I won't spoil.

Most of the criticism of this movie, as stated earlier, is due to casting Eric Bossick in the lead instead of everyone's favorite tortured salaryman Tomorowo Taguchi. Sure, maybe Tsukamoto wanted to reach a bigger, more Western audience, but so what? Is it really so fucking wrong for a director to want more people to see his work? No. Bossick is a different type of lead but he handles it very well and pulls off a more than convincing portrayal of a grieving father in the throes of metamorphosis. For me, the only sour spot is the chick who plays Bossick's wife. I don't know if it's that she's a lacking actress or would have performed better speaking in her native language. I also wasn't particularly fond of Bossick's father but it isn't enough to distract from the rest of the movie.

Fuck the nay-sayers. This is a 70-minute ride well worth taking.

Dwarfsploitation - The Sinful Dwarf

With a title like that, how can you go wrong?

The Sinful Dwarf is a somewhat typical 1973 exploitation flick with the atypical idea of casting flannel-wearing Olaf the dwarf as the lead. Olaf runs a really shady looking hotel with his equally shady, always drunk mother. When young couples come stay in a room, Olaf grabs the girls, locks them in the attic, keeps them doped up and then rents them out to horny, middle-aged Danish men.

Oh, did I mention he has a side-business venture of smuggling heroin in teddy bears? Because he does.

If you need something terrible and wonderful to watch, pick up this forgotten little gem.

Ilsa: She Wolf of the S.S.

 

If you haven't seen this, what are you waiting for?! Do it for the Reish!

Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

Tetsuo: The Iron Man is a 1989 black and white movie by Shinya Tsukamoto which is considered the titan of Japanese cyberpunk. This was his third and most well-known to film to date.

The story involves a man only known as "the Metal Fetishist" (played by Tsukamoto) being run down by  a car driven by a salaryman and his lady friend. After the accident, the salaryman slowly starts to turn into metal and a battle ensues between the two men.

While that plot may seem straightforward, this movie is anything but. What ensues is 70 minutes of total fucking insanity. Chaotic and frenetic camerawork, stop motion, maggots, coils, wires, and a truly awesome industrial soundtrack. There are some extremely graphic scenes, including the rather infamous sex scene between the salaryman and his woman which ends none too well for her.

Everything moves at lightning speed. The same way some video games or videos come with a warning for people prone to seizures, so should this movie. The first time I saw this I only made it halfway through before my head started pounding. The plot itself while important, is second to the images themselves. And what memorable images they are.

More than anything, this is surrealism at its unpretentious best. While one can easily draw comparisons with some of Cronenberg's body horror and Lynch's weirdoness (especially Eraserhead), Tsukamoto has crafted something unique and memorable. The sense of dread with technology taking over and metal and machinery replacing what once was an undotted landscape is one that is revisited  in many of his films, but this is where it all started.

Noroi: The Curse (2005)

In general, I am not a fan of "found-footage" films. Something about the shaky hand cam and people screaming all over the place does more to annoy than to frighten/keep me in suspense. Noroi: The Curse is a movie I've been putting off for the past few years for this very reason and after watching it today, I wish I hadn't waited so long.

Noroi isn't a straight found footage film, but more of a documentary or "mockumentary" if you will. It revolves around paranormal researcher Masafumi Kobayashi. He has just finished up his latest investigation video titled "The Curse" and a few days later his house goes up in flames, his wife dies and Kobayashi goes missing. Noroi is basically the viewer watching his last tape to see what led up to these events.

There are 2 very typical Japanese horror devices that make up this movie:
(1) This movie is slow and can be considered long at just under 2 hours (and it uses ALL that time, no 10 minute ending credits or other filler). This isn't like Audition slow, but it does evolve at a certain, very intentional pace. At first, it seems that all the stories Kobayashi is investigating are unrelated, but over time, connections start to form and details that seemed trivial become important.
(2) This movie isn't scary per se, but it is creepy and creates a feeling of discomfort and intrigue more than outright fear. There are no jumpscares, no loud noise scares, none of that. There are barely any special/makeup effects (I can think of only 3 scenes). Asian horror movies have a tendency to create tension and creep factor rather than just scaring the audience with startles and props/effects.

One can definitely draw comparisons between Noroi and The Blair Witch Project (there is a handheld running through the woods scene) and maybe a little bit of The Grudge in terms of the theme.  But what it lacks in originality it makes up for in effect.

This movie isn't for everyone, but I really enjoyed it and can't stop playing it over in my head, which I wasn't expecting. It keeps you wanting to find out what's going on, and you feel like you're investigating right along with Kobayashi, spotting clues, putting pieces to the puzzle together. To call it a supernatural detective movie would probably be the best description, so if that piques your interest, give Noroi a try.

Martyrs (2008)

If you look on any horror movie discussion forum or board, someone will recommend Martyrs. Someone will say it is "the most disturbing movie ever". Someone will call it "the most shocking" or go above and beyond by claiming it was a "transcendental/existential" experience.

Martyrs is by far, the most over-hyped, over-praised garbage I've watched in a long  time. Enthusiasts will immediately claim that I'm too stupid to comprehend it's "depth" or some other pseudo-elitist bullshit putdown. I don't care. I've seen it a few times and each time I hated it more.

Let's start from the beginning. Martyrs starts with the story of Lucie, who escapes being chained to a chair in some warehouse complex in the middle of somewhere. She's obviously been traumatized and is found by the authorities and placed in an orphanage. She doesn't speak at first and only becomes close with another little girl, Anna. Lucie repeatedly engages in self-harm and is haunted by a hallucination/image of a wretchedly skinny, violent girl. This hallucination follows her into adulthood.

She comes to find the family that she believes to have held her captive and kills them. She flips out and calls Anna to help her. She has a final battle with the girl/woman that has been haunting her and dies from her wounds.

Everything up to this point makes for a rather engaging movie. If the movie had been a short film and had stopped right here, I would have enjoyed it. But it doesn't. What follows is the biggest bullshit in plots involving some society that believes in torturing people in the hopes of seeing whether the afterlife is real. What follows is 45 minutes of tripe.

Anna is captured by these people (the same society that had captured Lucie as a child) and is tortured. Torture is tricky to get right in movies; sometimes it's lame and doesn't work or it's over the top. Martyrs makes a concentrated effort to show you each blow, kick, grab, force feeding, sleep deprivation, etc. Is it shocking? NO.

Much like the rape scene in Irreversible, Anna's torture crosses the line from potentially horrifying into flat out boring. Much like the rape scene in Irreversible, it drags on and on and is so over-the-top graphic, that I ended up feeling nothing for the character and was looking at the clock, waiting for my boredom to be alleviated. And Martyrs has no intention of alleviating my boredom.

Blah, blah, beatings, more beatings, more force feeding of some nasty greenish gruel, more suffering. Somehow this leads all involved to believe Anna is the one and will usher in the "knowledge" they are all hoping to acquire. That right there should make your bullshit meter go crazy. I can understand if torture made YOU see for yourself if there was an afterlife or whatever it was you were seeking to know. But you're taking someone else's word? Someone whom you have been holding captive to reveal  to you some greater truth of the world? What the fuck?!

And so it ends, with some pseudo ambiguous ending as to what Anna's last words were. And thus 2 hours of my life were wasted, never to be recovered, never to be filled with something far more worthwhile like staring at the wall or chasing flies. Hell, watching the water in the toilet swirl when I flush it is more fulfilling than the Martyrs experience.

A Serbian Film (Srpski film)

A Serbian Film. The film that has been banned in the UK, Spain, Australia, Norway, and temporarily in Brazil.  So much has been said about this movie. "It's so depraved." "It's the most disgusting film EVER" "Oh my god, how can you watch that?!"

Is it deserving of all these descriptions? Yes, to a degree. Does that detract from the movie? No.

A Serbian Film is about Milos, a retired porn star. In his day, he was the Ron Jeremy of Serbia, porking his way to fame. But he's settled down now with his lovely wife and son. He has a brother who is a corrupt police officer and makes no qualms about the fact that he wants to bone Milos's wife. Times are tough financially and he's starting to miss the money he was making.

Along comes a friend/former co-star, Lejla, with an offer for a starring role in some independant, artsy porn. Milos agrees and meets with the director, Vukmir. After meeting Vukmir, everything descends into chaos. Milos refuses to do certain things, Vukmir drugs him, and insanity ensues.

Any and all forms of depravity are on display in graphic detail. Rape? Check. Incest? Check. Pedophilia? Necrophilia? Snuff? Check, check, check. There's even depravity you've never seen or imagined, and for those who haven't seen it, I won't spoil the surprise.

This film gets a lot of flack for being "shock for shock's sake". I would almost agree if it weren't for one glaring reason. This movie is ridiculously well-made. The acting is good, the camerawork is crisp. This is no low-budget shlock, this is grade A degradation at its finest. Every sickening moment is well done. Vukmir is a sadist to the nth degree, and the guy who plays him does an excellent job at being one amazingly sick and crazy bastard.

The director has stated on various occasions that the movie is a parody of the current politically correct climate in Serbian cinema. I don't know how much of that is true, but he's succeeded in making a name for himself.  This movie is extremely graphic, perverse and holds nothing back. All in all, I loved it. There are a lot of movies that claim to be "disturbing" and "shocking" but none of them hold a candle to the rollercoaster of depravity that is A Serbian Film.

The Forbidden Door (Pintu Terlarang)

The Forbidden Door is a 2009 Indonesian psychological horror film starring Fachry Albar, Marsha Timothy and a bunch of other Indonesian actors.  The story revolves around Gambir, a sculptor whose claim to fame is statues of pregnant women. He is successful, is married to a beautiful woman, Talyda, has great friends and his life generally appears to be going wonderfully.  But, there wouldn't be a movie unless this "seeming happiness" is nothing but a cover for some dark and terrible shit going on underneath.

We come to learn early on that the secret to the pregnant women statues is in fact, aborted fetuses. It started with Talyda's first couple of abortions and continued with Gambir picking up his usual supply from the clinic. The fetuses are placed in the hollowed out bellies of the statues. He is disgusted with this arrangement from the very beginning, but everyone is enjoying the money and fame he is receiving from his sculptures (as well as the control they exert over him), so breaking away isn't really an option.

After a while, Gambir repeatedly finds the words "Tolong Saya" (Help me) written wherever he goes, and comes to believe that a young boy is in trouble and needs his help. Add to that his friends' assertions that "everyone has secrets" and a special building where members come to view disturbing television streams on different channels and you have what seems at first glance to be plot overload.

It's not. All these storylines start to fit perfectly as the movie progresses and what you end up with is one of the smartest and most well-made movies in years. I watched this movie for the first time last year and loved it. I wasn't sure if it would hold up to a repeat viewing, but recently that thought was dispelled and I loved it even more the second time around.

The pacing is pefect. This isn't a ghost story, as most Asian horror films tend to be. This is straight up psych horror and I really wish more directors would take a look at this and see what it takes to make a GOOD film. Nothing is wasted here. No scene is frivolous. The performances are solid, the dialogue is intelligent and overall, this is a fucking brilliant movie. There are few movies that I would recommend everyone go see, but this is definitely one. If you like smart, keep you in your seat psychological horror, then pick this up as soon as you can. The Christmas dinner scene alone is worth it.

Dick Laurent Is Dead - Lost Highway

Oh, a David Lynch film... where to begin?  Lost Highway was Lynch's first film in 7 years since Wild At Heart and is the first part of a thematic trilogy (including Mulholland Drive and Inland Empire). It stars Bill  Pullman, Patricia Arquette, Balthazar Getty and a cast of peculiar characters including Robert Blake as the Mystery Man, Henry Rollins as a jail guard, and Marilyn Manson and his bassist Twiggy doing some freaky shit on VHS. Lost Highway is a mindfuck, plain and simple.

The first half plays out with Fred and Rene Madison (Pullman and Arquette). They have a strained marriage and start receiving videotapes on their doorstep that become increasingly intrusive. The second half plays out with Pete and Alice (Getty and Arquette) having an affair behind Mr. Eddie's back. Yes, Patricia Arquette plays two roles. Yes, this is a thing for Lynch, who repeats the formula in Mulholland Drive by having his two main stars (Naomi Watts and Laura Elena Harring) both play dual roles.

Lost Highway is thick with sex, eroticism and disturbing behind-the-scenes violence. Surrealism abounds as in all Lynch's work. If you haven't seen it, don't get too wrapped up in trying to make every piece fit. It's a film that requires multiple viewings because the first time will only give you a headache. It's an interesting story once you start making sense of it (which I am not going to spoil here). Those who have seen it have already formed their opinions as to what everything meant and if you want to spoil it for yourself, you can check out one of the hundreds of forums dedicated to dissecting every second.

I personally didn't need everything to be explained to me in order to appreciate the movie for what it was: a rollercoaster ride that leaves you wanting to experience it all over again. Lynch made a winner here and that's all that matters.