Portal - Vexovoid (2013)

Not only do I not understand the hype surrounding this band but that goes for the 9,000,000 bands plagiarising their style. I just don't fucking get it. I could almost get a sense of the "evil" that everyone raves about but all of that is washed away by the band's insistence on covering everything with a wall of static and noise and I'm sorry but that is just not cool. I don't give a fuck how "extreme" you think you are for liking this shit, the bottom line is that it sucks. If they would clear up that highly annoying issue and maybe get a drummer who doesn't sound like he's nodding out after shooting up a bag of dope maybe these guys would be onto something, musically, but for now, these koo-koo clocks are better off collecting dust at the antique shop.

Portal - Outre

This is what it sounds like when you give a retard two gallons of Everclear, an ounce of crystal meth and a baseball bat and set him loose within the confines of a metal garbage can. Bap-bap-bap-bap-bing-boom-bop-ping!!

Yet another band that carries with them such a profound and vast accompaniment of genius, according to that carnival of confused minds, Metal-Archives. It's actually rather disheartening really, I mean, I always hold out high hopes for clock clad betentacled types and I'm always on the lookout for death metal of the more, "evil" sounding caliber, but this, this just sucks.

Whereas I can respect and actually enjoy (at times) a band such as Anal Cunt, listening to this is akin to giving myself a lobotomy sans anesthesia all the while screaming midgets rub and scrape hearty amounts of broken glass and thumb tacks over my exposed brain. Meaning, while I do enjoy the more "noisier" and "jarring" elements of music from time to time, I just can't shake the feeling that this is just a pretentious stab at being different and extreme and to mine ears it all just comes across as annoying and unbearable. The fact that every super cool metalhead chump from here unto the garbage can "gets it" just makes it all the more lame to me.

On one hand, I am glad that people are finally beginning to realize the worth of the evil and haunting sounds of bands such as Immolation and Incantation, though it is staggeringly mind blowing how often many of the bands that emulate that style somehow manage to miss the mark. Don't get me wrong. I love the creepy visual aesthetic that Portal employs and I honestly respect the fact that they're going for a more evil and blasphemous approach to death metal, but it is excruciatingly frustrating to me that the band persists on smothering every inch of their sound with a literal wall of noise. I bet each album of theirs would sound that much fucking better if you didn't have to painfully strain to make out each note and nuance not to mention the fact that the occasional riff that can actually be heard is drenched in that cock adoring pussy sounding guitar tone that those within the black metal ranks jump for joy over.

I for one am getting sick of all these hipster metal head-come-latelys that herald shit like this as the un-holier than thou second coming of all things cool. Just because a guy with a koo-koo bird clock on his head and squid tentacles for hands might look cool, doesn't mean that the shit being spewed fourth from that gaping hole located between his ass cheeks sounds cool, and this shit does NOT sound cool whatsoever. Too bad.