Lord of the Gay Fling

First off, Brother Theodore is Gollum! Not that overacting chump Andy Serkis and that crackhead CGI version with the most horrendous and annoying voice acting known to Man! I understand hiring Theodore for the job was out of the question considering the cunt had been dead well before production on the trilogy had begun but did they really have to enlist the services of the horribly inept Serkis? Ugh, the guy sucks so bad! I guess the greater tragedy is that everyone views his take on gollum as being more "in depth". The only thing gaining any depth here folks is the sore riddled cock this guy violently gags on every night. Theodore's Gollum from the Rankin Bass renditions of both The Hobbit and The Return of the King, sounds as if the producers had taken into the studio some old, half crazed and long exiled Nazi scientist who had taken to downing copious amounts of Kamchatka and Steel reserve, tiredly muttering to himself after scourging a bastion of homeless Argentinian children, helplessly tied up and imprisoned in his basement for a lack of Jew brats to beat upon in his relocated area. Yeah, that's about the stretch of it. Far from the Gollum who sounds, and looks like some A.I.D.S. infested prostitute whore on her last leg, having a nervous breakdown because some devious nigger crackfiend made off with her last hit .

Another beef I have with the current rendition of The Lord of the Rings is that stupid cunt Cate Blanchett. Somebody give this broad a bowl of soup. And who told her she could act? Oh yeah, about 2 million dumbfucks across the nation. The same people who think Justin Beiber is part of a cultural revolution because he can spin around and dance just like a little ghetto monkey. I wanna know exactly what year it was that I was cryogenically frozen before waking up in this misbegotten realm of pseudo-hipsterism and cell phone lobotomies. And the music these people listen to nowadays! I've asked people how they could listen to such mindless and shitty music and the usual response is "cuz it gots a beat that I could dance to". Here, let me grab an uzi and start spraying the ground near your feet, that'll get ya movin', ya stupid cunt.

While I didn't necessarily think that the WETA rendition of The Witch King was bad, I still prefer the Rankin & Bass version from the 1980 animated adaptation of The Return of the King. I mean, c'mon, an invisible dude, save for fiery red eyes and a crown placed upon an unseen head! Sorry but you just can't beat that! You'd figure with everything soaked in CGI these days, they could've at least pulled that one off. Fat chance. The one thing they definitely got right was the casting of Christopher Lee in the role of Saruman. Just his voice alone! Like a struck bell, deep and resonant. Ian Mckellen's Gandalf was for the most part spot on but perhaps due to nostaglic reasons, I'll always prefer John Huston's version.

For all of my griping there is plenty they got right in the series. Barad Dur and Sauron , though not steeped in mystery and obscurity such as they are in the animated version nonetheless struck a chord with me. I thought it was highly creative and added to the terror of what Mordor represents. The balrog was a complete win. Easily one of the coolest looking monsters in the last 30-40 years. Aside from that crackwhore Gollum and a few other fiends scattered throughout, my biggest problem with the big budgets rendition of LOTR is the pretentious acting submitted by a large part of the cast (with crackwhore Gollum spearheading the onslaught). I highly doubt they'll get around to remaking this series as I'm sure Hollywood will be bankrupt soon (please ,please pretty please !!!!!), so I'll stick with the original animated adaptations of LOTR. As imperfect as they are, I will always hold a fondness and profound amount of respect for them. The backdrop illustrations depicting the various towers, castles, mountains, kingdoms etc, are just fucking amazing and really capture the fantasy artistry prevalent in the 70's and 80's. Since then, animation has taken an unexpected and overwhelmingly homo turn as Japanime is the current trend by which all cocks are measured.