Noroi: The Curse (2005)

In general, I am not a fan of "found-footage" films. Something about the shaky hand cam and people screaming all over the place does more to annoy than to frighten/keep me in suspense. Noroi: The Curse is a movie I've been putting off for the past few years for this very reason and after watching it today, I wish I hadn't waited so long.

Noroi isn't a straight found footage film, but more of a documentary or "mockumentary" if you will. It revolves around paranormal researcher Masafumi Kobayashi. He has just finished up his latest investigation video titled "The Curse" and a few days later his house goes up in flames, his wife dies and Kobayashi goes missing. Noroi is basically the viewer watching his last tape to see what led up to these events.

There are 2 very typical Japanese horror devices that make up this movie:
(1) This movie is slow and can be considered long at just under 2 hours (and it uses ALL that time, no 10 minute ending credits or other filler). This isn't like Audition slow, but it does evolve at a certain, very intentional pace. At first, it seems that all the stories Kobayashi is investigating are unrelated, but over time, connections start to form and details that seemed trivial become important.
(2) This movie isn't scary per se, but it is creepy and creates a feeling of discomfort and intrigue more than outright fear. There are no jumpscares, no loud noise scares, none of that. There are barely any special/makeup effects (I can think of only 3 scenes). Asian horror movies have a tendency to create tension and creep factor rather than just scaring the audience with startles and props/effects.

One can definitely draw comparisons between Noroi and The Blair Witch Project (there is a handheld running through the woods scene) and maybe a little bit of The Grudge in terms of the theme.  But what it lacks in originality it makes up for in effect.

This movie isn't for everyone, but I really enjoyed it and can't stop playing it over in my head, which I wasn't expecting. It keeps you wanting to find out what's going on, and you feel like you're investigating right along with Kobayashi, spotting clues, putting pieces to the puzzle together. To call it a supernatural detective movie would probably be the best description, so if that piques your interest, give Noroi a try.

Decrepit Birth - Polarity

Decrepit Birth are one of those bands that started out as a bunch of wiggers but then realized that instead of merely slapping themselves in the face with big nigger cock, they found themselves driven to go "all out" with a group 'sex change' operation in an attempt to covet all of the cock that exists in the world. Unfortunately for them, not everyone is gay.

This album is like an alien transmitter to all of the flaming faggots in the universe. Like in the original 'Alien', this band has initiated a false S.O.S. in order to lure weary and unknowing travelers into their clutches so that they may facefuck and impregnate them with their utterly gay seed.

Even with the presence of the dirty old hippy and the generic death metal name, the rest of the band cannot contain their true, homosexual appearance from emerging. The music contained herein is of the ultra gay "technical death metal" variety and will most definitely appeal to those who jump for joy over pink chocolate and assless chaps.

Skyclad - The Wayward Sons of Mother Earth

This is the one and only Skyclad album that truly "does it" for me. The album after this (1992's 'A Burnt Offering for the Bone God'), although stylistically the same as this album in terms of it's death/thrash delivery, sounded rather tired and spent with none too many mind blowing moments to spare and Skyclad would become increasingly fruitier with each release as the allure of folk inspired "tavern metal" became to great for them to ignore.

On 'The Wayward Sons of Mother Earth', Skyclad were at their most vicious. The lion's share of material here does not sound far removed from that of vocalist Martin Walkyier's previous band, Sabbat. In fact, had this been released under the Sabbat moniker instead, I highly doubt anyone would have been the wiser.

Walkyier's vocals are just as witchy and venomous as they were in Sabbat and his lyrics just as punny and poetic. The majority of the songs here are in the razor sharp thrash style, though there are a few breathers in the form of "Irish jigs" and acoustic laden poetry sessions, which both fit in just fine.

This album is actually one of my favorites and I was always a little bummed that Skyclad did not keep the momentum of this release going a little bit longer throughout their career.

Setherial - Hell Eternal

I seriously cannot stand all this "true" and "kult" bullshit. Somehow to be considered a good black metal band/album, one must have the worst production possible, angsty Satanic/pagan lyrics and just more general shittiness than should ever be allowed. Why bands like Burzum, Mayhem, the shitty half of Darkthrone's catalog have come to be legendary and worshipped is beyond me. Setherial were part of the Swedish black metal wave that started rolling in during the mid 90s. I'm sure the so-called "purists" will say that their first two albums are the best because they sound like less produced and muddy, but Hell Eternal is where shit started getting real. The production on this album is a lot clearer so you can actually hear what the hell is going in. The guitars and drumming are a lot tighter, the vocals aren't necessarily memorable in style but the intensity is all there. The title song, "The Aeschma Daeva" and "The Sign of Wrath Awakened" all showcase an improvement in songwriting and playing that wasn't really prominent (but still present) on their previous releases. The one main drawback to this album is that after a while, the songs pretty much start to meld together and it gets repetitive. Much like their Swedish brethren Marduk, Setherial play a much faster, more aggressive style of black metal, which never wavers throughout this album. Setherial is definitely a band that has gotten better with time as their most recent releases have shown, but Hell Eternal is where they started to emerge as a force to be reckoned with.

Martyrs (2008)

If you look on any horror movie discussion forum or board, someone will recommend Martyrs. Someone will say it is "the most disturbing movie ever". Someone will call it "the most shocking" or go above and beyond by claiming it was a "transcendental/existential" experience.

Martyrs is by far, the most over-hyped, over-praised garbage I've watched in a long  time. Enthusiasts will immediately claim that I'm too stupid to comprehend it's "depth" or some other pseudo-elitist bullshit putdown. I don't care. I've seen it a few times and each time I hated it more.

Let's start from the beginning. Martyrs starts with the story of Lucie, who escapes being chained to a chair in some warehouse complex in the middle of somewhere. She's obviously been traumatized and is found by the authorities and placed in an orphanage. She doesn't speak at first and only becomes close with another little girl, Anna. Lucie repeatedly engages in self-harm and is haunted by a hallucination/image of a wretchedly skinny, violent girl. This hallucination follows her into adulthood.

She comes to find the family that she believes to have held her captive and kills them. She flips out and calls Anna to help her. She has a final battle with the girl/woman that has been haunting her and dies from her wounds.

Everything up to this point makes for a rather engaging movie. If the movie had been a short film and had stopped right here, I would have enjoyed it. But it doesn't. What follows is the biggest bullshit in plots involving some society that believes in torturing people in the hopes of seeing whether the afterlife is real. What follows is 45 minutes of tripe.

Anna is captured by these people (the same society that had captured Lucie as a child) and is tortured. Torture is tricky to get right in movies; sometimes it's lame and doesn't work or it's over the top. Martyrs makes a concentrated effort to show you each blow, kick, grab, force feeding, sleep deprivation, etc. Is it shocking? NO.

Much like the rape scene in Irreversible, Anna's torture crosses the line from potentially horrifying into flat out boring. Much like the rape scene in Irreversible, it drags on and on and is so over-the-top graphic, that I ended up feeling nothing for the character and was looking at the clock, waiting for my boredom to be alleviated. And Martyrs has no intention of alleviating my boredom.

Blah, blah, beatings, more beatings, more force feeding of some nasty greenish gruel, more suffering. Somehow this leads all involved to believe Anna is the one and will usher in the "knowledge" they are all hoping to acquire. That right there should make your bullshit meter go crazy. I can understand if torture made YOU see for yourself if there was an afterlife or whatever it was you were seeking to know. But you're taking someone else's word? Someone whom you have been holding captive to reveal  to you some greater truth of the world? What the fuck?!

And so it ends, with some pseudo ambiguous ending as to what Anna's last words were. And thus 2 hours of my life were wasted, never to be recovered, never to be filled with something far more worthwhile like staring at the wall or chasing flies. Hell, watching the water in the toilet swirl when I flush it is more fulfilling than the Martyrs experience.

A Serbian Film (Srpski film)

A Serbian Film. The film that has been banned in the UK, Spain, Australia, Norway, and temporarily in Brazil.  So much has been said about this movie. "It's so depraved." "It's the most disgusting film EVER" "Oh my god, how can you watch that?!"

Is it deserving of all these descriptions? Yes, to a degree. Does that detract from the movie? No.

A Serbian Film is about Milos, a retired porn star. In his day, he was the Ron Jeremy of Serbia, porking his way to fame. But he's settled down now with his lovely wife and son. He has a brother who is a corrupt police officer and makes no qualms about the fact that he wants to bone Milos's wife. Times are tough financially and he's starting to miss the money he was making.

Along comes a friend/former co-star, Lejla, with an offer for a starring role in some independant, artsy porn. Milos agrees and meets with the director, Vukmir. After meeting Vukmir, everything descends into chaos. Milos refuses to do certain things, Vukmir drugs him, and insanity ensues.

Any and all forms of depravity are on display in graphic detail. Rape? Check. Incest? Check. Pedophilia? Necrophilia? Snuff? Check, check, check. There's even depravity you've never seen or imagined, and for those who haven't seen it, I won't spoil the surprise.

This film gets a lot of flack for being "shock for shock's sake". I would almost agree if it weren't for one glaring reason. This movie is ridiculously well-made. The acting is good, the camerawork is crisp. This is no low-budget shlock, this is grade A degradation at its finest. Every sickening moment is well done. Vukmir is a sadist to the nth degree, and the guy who plays him does an excellent job at being one amazingly sick and crazy bastard.

The director has stated on various occasions that the movie is a parody of the current politically correct climate in Serbian cinema. I don't know how much of that is true, but he's succeeded in making a name for himself.  This movie is extremely graphic, perverse and holds nothing back. All in all, I loved it. There are a lot of movies that claim to be "disturbing" and "shocking" but none of them hold a candle to the rollercoaster of depravity that is A Serbian Film.

Missouri River Killer -aka- The Independence Avenue Killer

Apparently, a serial killer has been dumping into the Missouri River the bodies of Kansas City women from the red light district. On October 10, 1996, the body of 21-year-old Christy Fugate was pulled from the rushing waters of the Missouri river near Dover in Lafayette County, Missouri. Since then, nine more bodies have appeared downriver.

All of the murdered women were alleged prostitutes working in the Independence Avenue area of Kansas City, Missouri. They were all roughly of the same weight and height, and many had been warned of the possible threat to their lives posed by what police are ready to call a serial killer.

So far, ten women from Kansas City have been discovered downstream, and three women who were suspected to work in the Independence Avenue area have disappeared. Five months after Christy's body was discovered, the body of Sherri Livingston was found in the river nearby. Three weeks passed, and another body - Connie Wallace-Byas - was found. The next day, Linda Custer's body was recovered near Dover. Two weeks later, Chandra Helsel's body was found near Boonsville. In April 1998, the mutilated body of Tammy Smith was found in the river near Sibly.

The bodies of four other Kansas City women have been discovered along the water's edge. Police believe they too may be the victims of the mysterious Missouri River Killer.