Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation -aka- The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994)

The funny thing here is that initially, I really didn't mind the actual remake of the saw (2003) while I absolutely fucking hated this movie. Throughout the last few years, a weird transformation has occurred in which I've learned to practically despise the remake in its entirety while I'm finding myself not minding this film and it's bewildering and nonsensical spectacle of rampant idiosyncrasies. Understand that I had somehow managed to actually find enjoyment in the previous two field trips to Texas (prior to "The Return...', that is). 'Part 2', despite its flaws is actually a pretty nifty little flick. Actually "little" is hardly the right word as 'part 2' is more of a massive endeavor if anything. Part III was even fairly enjoyable. I mean, c'mon, Ken-fucking-Foree folks! I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of Leatherface being a "loving father". I don't know who came up with that particular idea but somebody should've been slapped upside the cranium for even mentioning the idea.

I came into this really, really, REALLY wanting to like it. I felt that while the first two sequels were not absolutely terrible, they just didn't quite have the right amount of "Tony Chachere", y'dig? The first problem with this movie came in the usual form of the twenty something cast of moronic dumbfucks that are actually almost unworthy of having a chainsaw split their cuntfaced domes. The addition of Renee Zellweger and her scrunched and grinning mug of prune faced proportions only furthered my rising anxiety as I am surely no fan of hers or her supposed acting "skills". The dialogue dispersed within the first few scenes is horrendously inept and on more than one occasion, caused me to check the video box to see if I had indeed read right, that Kim Henkel, the guy who co-wrote the original saw had actually directed this, which, I gotta say was the sole reason I originally had high hopes for this rapidly nauseating bout with diarrhea.

Somewhere well into the film we are introduced to the house in which Leatherface and the gang reside. The very first, hot second that Leatherface actually creeps onto the screen was promising. The scene where he emerges from behind the chick on the porch and eerily scopes her out exudes one of the films only moments of true creepiness. Unfortunately from that moment on it goes nowhere but downward at mach fucking 10.

Soon after, the diarrheal cramps give way to a waterfall of corn and brown water as we are introduced to the cringe inducing, scene chomping Matthew McConaughey. I'm guessing that his character was supposed to be an updated, 90's version of Ed Neal's Hitchhiker. BARF-FUCKING-RAMA! Aside from McConaughey and Leatherface, the "clan" also consists of some literature quoting, dickless douche and a Jersey hair sporting cum guzzling gutterslut of the hooker ho "Flo" variety who, I can only presume, provides the carnal entertainment in the house as the resident piss stained mattress. I actually really didn't mind the previous portrayals of Leatherface beyond the original even though the characterization in part 2 straddled the fence of "OK" and extremely fucking lame. The Leatherface of this film has been finally reduced to a whining pussy, incessantly crying and actually taking orders from one of the supposed victims (Case in point: While having one of his all too frequent whiny bitch fests, the female protagonist commands him to shut up... AND HE DOES!!!!!???????). The masks are a paradoxical curiosity as well. One of the problems I had with the other films were the various renditions of the masks. Savini's version in 'part 2' I felt was a bit too overwrought. From an effects standpoint the grisly aesthetics are on point but I felt that the enigma was reduced to a make up effects artists wet dream rather than being creepy and unsettling in an obscure an elusive way such as the original. 'Part III' was fairly bland in comparison and the remake and its prequel went back to ape the Savini formula in order to keep the attention of the ADHD generation, though I will say , the mask of Eric Balfour and the scene where it makes its appearance are definitely a highlight in an otherwise homosexual orgy of unprecedented proportions.

Anyway, back to the mask(s) in this film, I do have to commend the producers for trying to bring back the more disturbingly simplistic look that made the original so realistic, however, like everything else in this film, the attempt trips on a used dildo and falls flat on its face. They all tend to look a little too normal and the result is a look that comes across as normality overdone. Towards the end of the film we are treated (?) to an additional  member (?) of the "clan". A, extra-terrestrial-Freemasonic-suit and tie guy with a variety of unsettling stomach piercings who speaks with the most homo of lisps and somehow exerts control of the equally homo Leatherface and the gang through the use of remote controls. No, I am not making this up. It is for this reason alone that The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre went up a couple of notches and well past the absolutely gag inducing affair that comprised the remake and it's unwanted prequel. I'm hoping one of these days I'll decipher the code that unveils the hidden meaning of this movie.

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