Friday, May 10, 2013

Nocturnus - The Key (1991)

Apparently the Greasers down in Florida couldn't find any Socs to beat up on, so they decided to write an album instead. Who knew that Greasers had such raging homosexual tendencies as to incorporate Lionel Richie style keyboards into the equation? These guys obviously grew up on a steady diet of 70's cartoons as their idea of "spooky" is of the Scooby Doo variety what with the laughable attempts at creating a "frightening" atmosphere via Lionel Richie keyboard acrobatics.

The singer is a joke and I found it to be no surprise that he ended up being the feathered-mullet clad drummer/vocalist who lent his limp-wristed rasp to Morbid Angel's "debut", 'Abominations of Desolation', an album that embarrassed the band so much that they immediately kicked him out and pretended as if they never recorded it by twiddling their thumbs, whistling and hoping nobody would notice. Apparently the guys in Nocturnus thought he sucked pretty bad, too, as they relinquished him of his vocal duties and got a new singer for the album that followed. I mean, seriously, who thinks drummer/vocalists are cool? If you do, than you are obviously a morbidly obese, chronic masturbator who steals his Mom's Twinkies during her nightly NyQuil induced slumber.

These days, the feathered-mullet clad clown who got kicked out of Nocturnus and Morbid Angel for sucking, spends his days writing anti-David Vincent diatribes over on Facebook, gaining kudos and praise from many a morbidly obese, chronic masturbator.

"Let's do it for Johnny!!"


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