Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Movie Poster of the Week: Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994)

I had a feeling I was in trouble when I saw this at a video store without previously knowing of its existence, yet, the cover art inevitably drew me in, that and the small picture on the back of the box depicting Reggie being assaulted by a whole squad of deadly spheres. Holy gonorrhea! I had to enter into the dimension of this video cassette, back into the waiting arms of The Tall Man.

With 75% of the original cast back in action, that kick ass poster art and the fact that the last film in the series was a veritable classic ranked with other 80's greats ( Re-Animator, Evil Dead II, From Beyond, etc) I was fully unprepared for the disrespectful bitchslap I was about to receive .

First off ... I HATE movies that showcase bratty little kids in the hero role, talkin' shit and even worse, showing little or no emotion when confronted with zombies, aliens, or bumbling, decrepit mobsters, no matter how retarded they may be. Phantasm III unleashes this unfortunate trait with a vengeance. Had the kid ended up getting chopped up momentarily after delivering his first one liner I may have ended up having a different opinion of this movie, that is, until we run into problem number two: the jive talkin', nun-chuk swingin', Kid & Play box afro sportin' eggplant who ol' Reg stumbles, dribbles and drools over like a dingbat wingnut. With a brillo pad I couldn't even begin to scrub away the awful feeling of having my balls groped by some aged, homosexual inquisitor in the guise of this film. Through the whole movie I kept wishing these people would die, which of course, they did not.

Perhaps the biggest bitchslap comes in the form of the not-so-triumphant return of the series original actors . Mike has been reduced to a sniveling, whiny bitch while I couldn't help but feel that maybe Jody should've been left to contemplate the afterlife. The series (as of yet) has reached a somewhat logical dead end in the form of Phantasm IV, a film that , while not as much of a train wreck as this one, doesn't ever seem to take off . It just kinda walks around in a circle kickin' rocks and twiddlin' its thumbs.

Unfortunately I haven't been eagerly awaiting a Phantasm 5 due to how far down the toilet the series was taken. Trust me on this one folks, stick to the first two films and call it a day. Of course for those with a more feline streak, well, as they say, curiosity killed the cat and all the balls in the world couldn't help The Tall Man save this series from implosion.

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