Monday, July 16, 2012

Portal - Outre

This is what it sounds like when you give a retard two gallons of Everclear, an ounce of crystal meth and a baseball bat and set him loose within the confines of a metal garbage can. Bap-bap-bap-bap-bing-boom-bop-ping!!

Yet another band that carries with them such a profound and vast accompaniment of genius, according to that carnival of confused minds, Metal-Archives. It's actually rather disheartening really, I mean, I always hold out high hopes for clock clad betentacled types and I'm always on the lookout for death metal of the more, "evil" sounding caliber, but this, this just sucks.

Whereas I can respect and actually enjoy (at times) a band such as Anal Cunt, listening to this is akin to giving myself a lobotomy sans anesthesia all the while screaming midgets rub and scrape hearty amounts of broken glass and thumb tacks over my exposed brain. Meaning, while I do enjoy the more "noisier" and "jarring" elements of music from time to time, I just can't shake the feeling that this is just a pretentious stab at being different and extreme and to mine ears it all just comes across as annoying and unbearable. The fact that every super cool metalhead chump from here unto the garbage can "gets it" just makes it all the more lame to me.

On one hand, I am glad that people are finally beginning to realize the worth of the evil and haunting sounds of bands such as Immolation and Incantation, though it is staggeringly mind blowing how often many of the bands that emulate that style somehow manage to miss the mark. Don't get me wrong. I love the creepy visual aesthetic that Portal employs and I honestly respect the fact that they're going for a more evil and blasphemous approach to death metal, but it is excruciatingly frustrating to me that the band persists on smothering every inch of their sound with a literal wall of noise. I bet each album of theirs would sound that much fucking better if you didn't have to painfully strain to make out each note and nuance not to mention the fact that the occasional riff that can actually be heard is drenched in that cock adoring pussy sounding guitar tone that those within the black metal ranks jump for joy over.

I for one am getting sick of all these hipster metal head-come-latelys that herald shit like this as the un-holier than thou second coming of all things cool. Just because a guy with a koo-koo bird clock on his head and squid tentacles for hands might look cool, doesn't mean that the shit being spewed fourth from that gaping hole located between his ass cheeks sounds cool, and this shit does NOT sound cool whatsoever. Too bad.


  1. "Yet another band that carries with them such a profound and vast accompaniment of genius, according to that carnival of confused minds, Metal-Archives"

    Sweeping generalization much? Portal actually has very mixed thoughts on MA. Some people love it, some people hate it, some people think it's just okay.

    1. Yes, I sweepingly generalize much, indeed! =)

  2. MA or death you jackass!